Release Me Lryics

"I see the world, feel the chill
Which way to go, windowsill
I see the world's on a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh, dear dad, can you see this now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll ride the wave where it takes me
I'll hold the pain release me

Oh, dear dad, can you see this now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll wait up in the dark for you to speak to me
I'll open up release me, release me, release me, release me"

Pearl Jam

Struggles

Friends: Warning, may be triggering. Please be mindful before you read...


I just watched Drop Dead Diva for the first time today. Has anyone ever heard of it? Well it is about a woman who was size zero dies and gets another chance but is placed inside a large womans body. I completely related to this because many things they comment about in the show is how I have felt. I spent most of my life anorexic and on constant watch of my weight. Then two years ago I had a major surgery and was on steroids, then I got engaged. Much of this, starting with the steriods, then therapy, then unconditional love from my husband, I have began to try to accept food as a daily part of life and accept myself.

But with the steriods (and my VERY SLOW metabolism) I gained a lot of weight. Adjusting to this has resulted in a great deal of fear, anxiety, depression, self-hatred, feelings of failure & emabarrasment, and the inability to get dressed. As I have struggled with feeling like I am the thin one who always got things for free but now I am fat with an incredible amou t of pressure to loose weight and return back to my former best friend Ana, I have become so confused about who I really am.

I realize I have choices. I still have eating issues.

My father wants to compete with me to loose weight. The pressure is overwhelming as Ana creeps back into my life. He doesn't understand that when I start I can't stop. I can't stop the addiction of working out, of not eating, and the addiction of calorie, carb, and fat counting.

I know I am fat now but I don't feel that way. Since my inner self feels thin anytime I pass by reflection or look in the mirror I am more than horrified and there is a disconnection from how I feel (I guess how I should be), who I am, and what I look like now.

I guess I have to decide if I can diet with self-control of not allowing Ana in my life again. She is not really a friend and she has hurt me, my career & schooling, my friends, and my family so much. But I want her back more than anything. I had pictures attached of me while Ana & after Ana but deleted them so it wouldn't trigger some friends of mine if they read this.

sisters departed out of my life

I am feeling so dejected right now. My siblings are completely either ignoring me or just simply being mean. I feel like I am in the movie “Mean Girls”. They keep passively making comments that hurt or just clearly ignoring me.

What I am learning is that my sisters really do not care that much for me and the rest of my family is unable to care because of their own narcissism.

I am so blessed to have Paul in my life, at least he understands and somewhat knows how I feel.

That does not negate the fact that my sister’s of whom I was extremely close to for 26 years now treat me like a doormat, demoralize me, or ignore me. It isn’t as if we “grew apart” but instead something happened and I can’t figure out what it is. I got married and around the wedding time things got worse but it started before then anyway.

I am not allowed to see my two nieces for some reason. Last year my older sister did that with my brother and I was the only one allowed to watch them but now it has changed. Now I am on the outs and am not allowed to see them. It really confuses me and hurts that I am not allowed to see them.

My younger sister is angry with me for something I guess. Every time I speak with her lately she mentions what a brat, pain in the ass, or just plain “bitchy” I am (as Paul is buying her lunch at a Thai restaurant).

I guess it is the loss of my relationships with my sisters that hurt the most. Not what they say or do, but rather losing the relationship completely.

Ignored

Why does my family only do & see things black or white? I am trying to focus on myself, not my family but Annabelle’s 3rd birthday was today and I have been cut out. They will call Paul and tell Paul about her party tomorrow but they won’t call me.

Since I have been out of the hospital my father has called me once (did not leave a message) and that is it. I don’t want to complain that not a single person has called me at all but at the same time, it hurts. I feel like it proves the worthlessness that I am. They all will talk to Paul and not me.
No one has even asked how I have been, not even a single call, email, text, Skype, nothing. Not a soul in my entire family has asked me how I am doing.
Paul’s family seems different. They seem to at least notice or ask.
Anyway, I hate to Miss Annabelle’s birthday but I don’t think I am invited. I am tired and depressed; I think I am going to go to bed.

Well, Happy Birthday Annabelle, you are always my little princess.

Choices

We have two choices: We grow, or we die. It’s the whole point of our journey: to grow and evolve & remove obstacles that keep us from living in the light, living from our essence, living as our authentic selves. When you remove the blocks, you create flow in your life and go into new ...thresholds of personal potential. That is the goal, and growth is the only way to get there.

Week of Fasting

Well I spent the week in the ER and psych ward. As anyone knows it is a perfect place to not eat.
So Monday-Friday all I have had was water.
They wouldn't keep me there isnce I wasn't eating and refered me to EDCD or a DBT place. But, it was a great start for my not eat plans...
Oh I was there because I OD on many, many, meds.

A poem I have written, and working on

She was such a naive girl,
with all her hair done up,
She was such an ignorant girl,
as her skirt began to be pulled up.

With her eyes filled with tears,
She was such an ignorant girl,
She cried but no one could hear.

She was such a scared girl,
as she begged and pleaded for him to stop.
She was such a foolish girl,
and it was torture and rape, what she got.

She was such an innocent girl,
Now as beaten as a fighters fist
She is a damaged girl,
with a knife inserted into her wrist.

She was such a common girl
Before she decided to hide,
She was a happy girl,
But now she is empty inside.


I am working on others...

treatment options and confessions

I am so dejected. I am attempting on finding further treatment for my issues, but it costs so much. Over $8 grand for two weeks (with insurance). That is a lot for me especially without a job.

So what do I do? I have choices-I can fall back into anorexia, which makes me so productive. Just go on as I have, just getting by without actually living, or to just die. AWWW! Maybe I should go back to my old ways?

Well, I guess I have already. I am either starving, or throwing up.
I have a few other confessions:

I abuse any substance I can. This includes alcohol, diet pills, coffee/caffeine,
cocaine, or inhalants.

I constantly throw up whatever I eat.

I wish it would stop! I say “it” because I can’t stop this shit. The problem is that I know I can die so easily with the substances I use along with purging. Originally, I wouldn’t care, but now I have friends and a husband to worry about. It isn’t just me and I can’t be selfish. However, how do I get further help? It costs so much money.

I am sitting here on my couch watching an episode of intervention. I remember the intervention we had for my mom two years ago like it was yesterday. She had all of us children kicked out of the house by the cops I couldn’t believe it.
I don’t want to cause another riff in the family, but Shaun and my mother have to get help. So do I but at least I want it. They don’t want help and want to continue hurting the family.

sludge feeling in all

What am I doing to myself and why?

I am in a cycle of self-abuse. My father thought it would be over after my wedding and I would live happily ever after, but I still have my problems. They don’t just go away.

It is stupid really…I abuse any substance I can get my hands on and I throw up many times a day.

The truth is that I hate myself. I feel like a failure because I used to be anorexic and during recovery, I got fat.

THIS ISN’T TO DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM RECOVERY! I had special circumstances.

During recovery, I went on steroids for surgeries twice and that increased my fat retention. By the time I actually went to treatment within 6 months, I had gained 6pounds, which is ten pounds a month! Now I am still fat which to myself means failure.

I was a good anorexic. Wait, what does "a good anorexic" even mean? I was good at my own self-hatred and punishment? Now I am upset that I DON’T hate myself as much? On the other hand, maybe I do and I take it out a different way?
Engaging in an eating disorder ultimately hurts yourself. It hurts others a lot and the ED makes a person selfish, but ultimately, the ED steals the soul of the person who engages in it.

To be honest, part of being married scares me immensely because now I don’t have an excuse to deny sex. I like sex, but at the same time, I can’t stand it unless I am inebriated. If I am sober, I get scary flashbacks to when I was 15. I shake, shiver, cry, and the only thing I can do to get it off my mind is bite my lip and mentally check out or be intoxicated on something.

Should I be honest about it all to my husband? If I am that means I have to deal with all of my issues. He knows most of it, but to deal with it all scares me, plus I can’t afford professional help so I am on my own.

One annoying thing is that it happened over 10 years ago. Can’t I get over it?
According to my academic advisor, I can’t go back to school without “dealing” with my issues. I feel like my “issues” are me.

I don’t have any big breakthroughs, ideas or special thoughts right now and even recently I feel empty. My words feel like sludge, and my relationships have suffered.

My thoughts don't turn to words. Annoying really...

Depressed as shit. Can't get answers and questions just sit. Life is stagnent like the water in the pond near my house. It stinks too. I have had enough. I am tired of fighting it.

Losing grip without meds

“Losing Grip. She is losing grip of herself and for fuck sake it hurts. She tried to kill herself but the mass amount of pills she took did nothing but left a painful yet nearly invisible goose-egg on her head and a black hole in her memory for that weekend.

She stares herself in the mirror every morning inclining to smash her dire head into the reflection. She loathes what she observes in that reflection of truth. The more she thinks about it she begins to make tiny cuts upon her wrist. She doesn’t seem to care what people think because she knows she is going to die soon anyway somehow so she wonders the point in caring.
The very few people who see her face in social situations seem to ask “what has happened to you lately?” The same fucking bullshit question that they love to ask her in attempt to be socially appropriate and pretend to be concerned. She realizes this sham of concern and answers with an equally socially appropriate statement.
Nonetheless the truth remains staring at her reflection every morning. The truth is that she is so worthless and a trivial that she is junk and every fucking breath she takes she can’t forget what shit she is and she can’t take back the shitty drugged words she said.
She ponders if this is the day that she has been waiting for. Has the day finally come? Every night she dreams of the day she dies and the painful air in her lungs becomes nothing but unfilled. While she begins to get ready for insignificant events of the day she blanks out and imagines knifes jabbing into her chest. The blood draining out of her and the force that it takes to actually puncture that far is mesmerizing. The feeling of the ribs cracking underneath the knife and the skin reluctantly complying with the knife's sharp edge gives her the energy to even get ready for the calendar day that seems so distant from her mind.
She is such a fat looser. Looser! Looser! Looser! Fat, fat looser!
She pleads for this reality to stop. Why the FUCK is she still alive being so FAT???
FUCK HER! FUCK HER MEAGER EXISTENCE! She is not smart, talented, pretty, or THIN! The sad thing is that she really believes this with every breath she takes.”

OMG I hate myself. I went from anorexia to obese. I hate my fat. I hate my fat! I am shit. I deserve to die. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat!!!!!!!!!

I should just die since I am a fat shit face.

I recently saw my best friend ans I am so scared. She is way too thin and I don't think she realizes that this has gone on so long that I may see her funeral instead of her wedding. The pain she must be in. It isn't only her weight but what she is missing out of as she engages in these behaviors. She deserves better but she wont get what she deserves until she takes care of herself.

But I feel like I can't say much because I engage in those similar beahviors. I am fat though, so I can afford to not eat for a week. But she is near death and I am afraid. She has people who love her & a life ahead of her and it is wasted on this shit.

Anyway: My diet (the same one I was on when I was in anorexia):

20grams carbs a day
-Veggies, Veggies, Veggies and soy sauce for salt.
-Egg whites for protien & maybe tofu, fish or chicken pending on money
-wine at night

-1 hour of walk with dog in am
-1 hour of cardio during mid am
-weights in pm

ankle weights everyday
-Atkins chocolate if want chocolate
-phentermine & Xenical when eat any fat

NO:
-No hard alcohol
-No sugar
-No carbs (bread etc)
-No flaking on normal workout schedule
-No cutting
-No rice

Sad, today would have been my Grndmother's 81st Birthday. However she died earlier than I thought. Certain suspision...my question is why? She deserved better.

Excited

I am so excited to get married this weekend and my best friend is coming in town! I am so excited to see her :) I have decided to just go with the flow, especially since this previous weekend at a funeral was hell. I am still fat and I have been using behaviors, but at least I will have a fun weekend!
Yay!

I know I need serious help. I know I need to gather myself together. I have so many issues that I need to get help for but the money situation is bad. I know people claim money is a cop-out but seriously, I can’t afford help. Everything I do revolves around trying to escape how I feel in my own body. Between the starving, puking, binging on alcohol, abusing various things, cutting, exercising, all ED behaviors, everything I do to escape myself. I find myself even encouraging my fiancé (husband in two weeks) to engage in ED behaviors with me.
What am I doing to myself? The annoying thing is that I know it is worthless. No matter how long I work out, no matter how little or how much I eat, no matter if I am emaciated or heavy like I am now I still hate myself. The tactics and addictions that I use cannot stop how I feel inside.

I am not proud of myself. On the contrary, I am disappointed and mortified with myself. I have stooped to so many lows, encouraging my ED behaviors on my poor fiancé.

I am jealous of one of my best friends. Her parents have given her the gift of rehab many times. They may not be perfect parents but at least they gave her chances to get better. My parents can’t (well I feel as if they will not) assist me in that way. When my best friend was in treatment, I was so envious and cried myself to sleep some nights because I wish I could get that type of help.
I guess I have to just keep going and do my best. I have to engage with healthy oriented people and really think about my future.

Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life? No
Do I want my husband and my future kids to suffer because of me? No
Do I want my LIFE back? YES!

QUEEN say it well:

“Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure - that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

Ee day da - that's o.k.
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets
Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba
O.k.

Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours

People on streets
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher high high
Pressure on people - people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
but it's so slashed and torn
Why - why - why ?
Love love love love love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure”

QUEEN-Under Pressure

Recovery Website

The very first time I tried recovery this website really helped me at the time. I thought I would try it again. It has all the annoying "what is an eating disorder" crap but the forums as I recall were very supportive for recovery, self-acceptance, balance in life, etc. As I recall at the time I used it I was the youngest forum member, but they were so recovery oriented and supportive.

If anyone reads this, try it out...

http://www.something-fishy.org/

Learn from Siblings & use them for support

I have many siblings in my family of whom I look up to, one of which is my younger sister. She has this self-confidence and energy that radiates from her. She has incredible motivation and personality that I envy. She is extraverted, happy, social, mindful, smart, pretty, committed, & everything I want to be.
When we were younger, on a family vacation to Vail, My sister and I ran up from the car to the condominium ahead of everyone in excitement. I had a key to the condominium and tried to get it to work, however I broke the key and part of the key was stuck in the lock. I was maybe twelve years old and my sister must have been eight. She took the blame as others in the family came up because I think she could see my self-hatred and embarrassment for doing something wrong. The key stuck in the door wasn’t a huge crisis but to me, doing something wrong and not being perfect was my ultimate fear. Well as she took the blame, I gained so much insight into her personality. She was intuitive and caring and not to mention strong enough with her self-worth to take the fault. I felt like a little weak soul at that point and from then on, I respected her more than she knows now.
My eating disorder and cutting has hurt this relationship in many ways that I don’t even know about. Nevertheless, this one event sticks with me and makes me want to recover.

I remember when I was in High School my sister and I always went to lunch together. We used to play stupid games like blowing a pencil on the floor back and forth to each other, or ride in the car listening to music. At this point in time, my eating disorder and my other self-destructive behaviors where a complete secret, or so I thought. However, I think she knew. She always knew me. But once I got into college and was on my own I took advantage of the isolation and ability to diet how I wanted and I think this hurt so many of my family members and friends because I was in this spiral that became my religion. All I cared about no matter who I hurt was what I ate. By the time sister confronted me about my low weight it was too late. I was less than 95 pounds and completely obsessed or maybe addicted to the complexities of my ED life.
I started lying. I started lying a lot to hide my ED and self-destructive behaviors. If I could go back in time, I would instead use my sister and other siblings as a source of support rather than hide from them. I would talk to them about it because I am sure they had similar feelings that I did but they had better outlets that I could have learned.
The Point:
*Sorry for this long story, but a part of my recovery is to stop lying about my issues and keep to honesty about myself. The more secrecy the more ED takes over.
*I am going to invite discussions about difficulties and troubles as they occur rather than hide from them. I hope to utilize my relationship with my siblings as I do with Paul to keep on a healthy related track.
*I am going to observe my siblings healthy responses to stress and use them as role models. For example, my sister goes horseback riding when she encounters stress. Even if I clean the horse that may help. Alternatively, maybe I could take my dog Macy to a sheep herding facility and use that as an outlet.

Anyway, I’ll add more later…

List as to why recovery is important to me

As part of recovery for the New Year, 2010, I am going to make a list of how addiction has hurt other and me and what is important in my life that addiction takes away.

My ED Addiction has taken away these crucial aspects of my life:
My self-esteem & self-worth
My loving relationships with my sisters (and other family members)
Part of my relationship with Paul
Trust
My confidence
My Health
Money
Peace of mind
A life
School
Friends
My contributions to society
My passions
My energy (mental & physical)

Why Recovery is Important to me:
Gaining self-confidence & self-esteem/worth
Gaining back trust in my relationships with my sisters
Strengthening my relationship with Paul
Moving on with life: job, career, school, my passions, a social life, starting my own family with Paul, and moving toward my goals and potential.

My entries this week will be about how my ED has hurt my relationship with each family member.

There are many other things my ED has taken away and what I have lost, the list above is just some important ones to me.

Engage in my weight loss plan or not? Am I strong enough to do it without falling into anorexia again?

God has given me strength but is it enough to stay out of the addiction of anorexia once I start?

Will I be switching back from my current addictions to another addiction? I am tired of throwing up but that is one trigger for my restriction.

I follow my "previous" nutritionist orders, but I do believe it is wrong and they make me eat too much food.

Am I strong enough diet without going too far? I need to diet, but the fear of going too far is real. I wish there was a group for previous anorexics to diet healthy and not get consumed by the dieting as if it was some hard-core illegal drug. I want to be thin for my wedding pictures but what is the cost? Do I have the strength to stop when I hit a certain weight? On the other hand, will I become obsessed to the addiction of food restriction? Hmmm...Self-Control is the key.

I don’t want to be 40 and still fighting an eating disorder.

I already feel the influence of the tug. Look fat in the wedding pictures or start my diet? I want Paul to see the best of me again.

I frequently wish I had another addiction that I could completely abstain from. I share this only because so many other women suffer these feelings (I notice).

If anyone has any ideas on how to lose weight without falling, I would sincerely appreciate it :)

The biggest problem is that I am embarrassingly fat when I used to be a “good” anorexic. I don't want to be fat anymore, I spent over ten years in the "anorexic" weight which is sick, but even sicker is that is how I feel I should be, but I know I am wrong.

I just wish I lived in this world that weight wasn't an issue and food didn't scare me. I would like to just be normally happy and not notice my weight and what I eat.

Why does certain "foods" turn me into this fearful, panic stricken person? It is stupid really but it wont stop!

Well I have writtne my father a letter that I will post later.