Struggles

Friends: Warning, may be triggering. Please be mindful before you read...


I just watched Drop Dead Diva for the first time today. Has anyone ever heard of it? Well it is about a woman who was size zero dies and gets another chance but is placed inside a large womans body. I completely related to this because many things they comment about in the show is how I have felt. I spent most of my life anorexic and on constant watch of my weight. Then two years ago I had a major surgery and was on steroids, then I got engaged. Much of this, starting with the steriods, then therapy, then unconditional love from my husband, I have began to try to accept food as a daily part of life and accept myself.

But with the steriods (and my VERY SLOW metabolism) I gained a lot of weight. Adjusting to this has resulted in a great deal of fear, anxiety, depression, self-hatred, feelings of failure & emabarrasment, and the inability to get dressed. As I have struggled with feeling like I am the thin one who always got things for free but now I am fat with an incredible amou t of pressure to loose weight and return back to my former best friend Ana, I have become so confused about who I really am.

I realize I have choices. I still have eating issues.

My father wants to compete with me to loose weight. The pressure is overwhelming as Ana creeps back into my life. He doesn't understand that when I start I can't stop. I can't stop the addiction of working out, of not eating, and the addiction of calorie, carb, and fat counting.

I know I am fat now but I don't feel that way. Since my inner self feels thin anytime I pass by reflection or look in the mirror I am more than horrified and there is a disconnection from how I feel (I guess how I should be), who I am, and what I look like now.

I guess I have to decide if I can diet with self-control of not allowing Ana in my life again. She is not really a friend and she has hurt me, my career & schooling, my friends, and my family so much. But I want her back more than anything. I had pictures attached of me while Ana & after Ana but deleted them so it wouldn't trigger some friends of mine if they read this.