Release Me Lryics

"I see the world, feel the chill
Which way to go, windowsill
I see the world's on a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh, dear dad, can you see this now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll ride the wave where it takes me
I'll hold the pain release me

Oh, dear dad, can you see this now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll wait up in the dark for you to speak to me
I'll open up release me, release me, release me, release me"

Pearl Jam

Struggles

Friends: Warning, may be triggering. Please be mindful before you read...


I just watched Drop Dead Diva for the first time today. Has anyone ever heard of it? Well it is about a woman who was size zero dies and gets another chance but is placed inside a large womans body. I completely related to this because many things they comment about in the show is how I have felt. I spent most of my life anorexic and on constant watch of my weight. Then two years ago I had a major surgery and was on steroids, then I got engaged. Much of this, starting with the steriods, then therapy, then unconditional love from my husband, I have began to try to accept food as a daily part of life and accept myself.

But with the steriods (and my VERY SLOW metabolism) I gained a lot of weight. Adjusting to this has resulted in a great deal of fear, anxiety, depression, self-hatred, feelings of failure & emabarrasment, and the inability to get dressed. As I have struggled with feeling like I am the thin one who always got things for free but now I am fat with an incredible amou t of pressure to loose weight and return back to my former best friend Ana, I have become so confused about who I really am.

I realize I have choices. I still have eating issues.

My father wants to compete with me to loose weight. The pressure is overwhelming as Ana creeps back into my life. He doesn't understand that when I start I can't stop. I can't stop the addiction of working out, of not eating, and the addiction of calorie, carb, and fat counting.

I know I am fat now but I don't feel that way. Since my inner self feels thin anytime I pass by reflection or look in the mirror I am more than horrified and there is a disconnection from how I feel (I guess how I should be), who I am, and what I look like now.

I guess I have to decide if I can diet with self-control of not allowing Ana in my life again. She is not really a friend and she has hurt me, my career & schooling, my friends, and my family so much. But I want her back more than anything. I had pictures attached of me while Ana & after Ana but deleted them so it wouldn't trigger some friends of mine if they read this.

sisters departed out of my life

I am feeling so dejected right now. My siblings are completely either ignoring me or just simply being mean. I feel like I am in the movie “Mean Girls”. They keep passively making comments that hurt or just clearly ignoring me.

What I am learning is that my sisters really do not care that much for me and the rest of my family is unable to care because of their own narcissism.

I am so blessed to have Paul in my life, at least he understands and somewhat knows how I feel.

That does not negate the fact that my sister’s of whom I was extremely close to for 26 years now treat me like a doormat, demoralize me, or ignore me. It isn’t as if we “grew apart” but instead something happened and I can’t figure out what it is. I got married and around the wedding time things got worse but it started before then anyway.

I am not allowed to see my two nieces for some reason. Last year my older sister did that with my brother and I was the only one allowed to watch them but now it has changed. Now I am on the outs and am not allowed to see them. It really confuses me and hurts that I am not allowed to see them.

My younger sister is angry with me for something I guess. Every time I speak with her lately she mentions what a brat, pain in the ass, or just plain “bitchy” I am (as Paul is buying her lunch at a Thai restaurant).

I guess it is the loss of my relationships with my sisters that hurt the most. Not what they say or do, but rather losing the relationship completely.

Ignored

Why does my family only do & see things black or white? I am trying to focus on myself, not my family but Annabelle’s 3rd birthday was today and I have been cut out. They will call Paul and tell Paul about her party tomorrow but they won’t call me.

Since I have been out of the hospital my father has called me once (did not leave a message) and that is it. I don’t want to complain that not a single person has called me at all but at the same time, it hurts. I feel like it proves the worthlessness that I am. They all will talk to Paul and not me.
No one has even asked how I have been, not even a single call, email, text, Skype, nothing. Not a soul in my entire family has asked me how I am doing.
Paul’s family seems different. They seem to at least notice or ask.
Anyway, I hate to Miss Annabelle’s birthday but I don’t think I am invited. I am tired and depressed; I think I am going to go to bed.

Well, Happy Birthday Annabelle, you are always my little princess.

Choices

We have two choices: We grow, or we die. It’s the whole point of our journey: to grow and evolve & remove obstacles that keep us from living in the light, living from our essence, living as our authentic selves. When you remove the blocks, you create flow in your life and go into new ...thresholds of personal potential. That is the goal, and growth is the only way to get there.

Week of Fasting

Well I spent the week in the ER and psych ward. As anyone knows it is a perfect place to not eat.
So Monday-Friday all I have had was water.
They wouldn't keep me there isnce I wasn't eating and refered me to EDCD or a DBT place. But, it was a great start for my not eat plans...
Oh I was there because I OD on many, many, meds.

A poem I have written, and working on

She was such a naive girl,
with all her hair done up,
She was such an ignorant girl,
as her skirt began to be pulled up.

With her eyes filled with tears,
She was such an ignorant girl,
She cried but no one could hear.

She was such a scared girl,
as she begged and pleaded for him to stop.
She was such a foolish girl,
and it was torture and rape, what she got.

She was such an innocent girl,
Now as beaten as a fighters fist
She is a damaged girl,
with a knife inserted into her wrist.

She was such a common girl
Before she decided to hide,
She was a happy girl,
But now she is empty inside.


I am working on others...