sludge feeling in all

What am I doing to myself and why?

I am in a cycle of self-abuse. My father thought it would be over after my wedding and I would live happily ever after, but I still have my problems. They don’t just go away.

It is stupid really…I abuse any substance I can get my hands on and I throw up many times a day.

The truth is that I hate myself. I feel like a failure because I used to be anorexic and during recovery, I got fat.

THIS ISN’T TO DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM RECOVERY! I had special circumstances.

During recovery, I went on steroids for surgeries twice and that increased my fat retention. By the time I actually went to treatment within 6 months, I had gained 6pounds, which is ten pounds a month! Now I am still fat which to myself means failure.

I was a good anorexic. Wait, what does "a good anorexic" even mean? I was good at my own self-hatred and punishment? Now I am upset that I DON’T hate myself as much? On the other hand, maybe I do and I take it out a different way?
Engaging in an eating disorder ultimately hurts yourself. It hurts others a lot and the ED makes a person selfish, but ultimately, the ED steals the soul of the person who engages in it.

To be honest, part of being married scares me immensely because now I don’t have an excuse to deny sex. I like sex, but at the same time, I can’t stand it unless I am inebriated. If I am sober, I get scary flashbacks to when I was 15. I shake, shiver, cry, and the only thing I can do to get it off my mind is bite my lip and mentally check out or be intoxicated on something.

Should I be honest about it all to my husband? If I am that means I have to deal with all of my issues. He knows most of it, but to deal with it all scares me, plus I can’t afford professional help so I am on my own.

One annoying thing is that it happened over 10 years ago. Can’t I get over it?
According to my academic advisor, I can’t go back to school without “dealing” with my issues. I feel like my “issues” are me.

I don’t have any big breakthroughs, ideas or special thoughts right now and even recently I feel empty. My words feel like sludge, and my relationships have suffered.

My thoughts don't turn to words. Annoying really...