Losing grip without meds

“Losing Grip. She is losing grip of herself and for fuck sake it hurts. She tried to kill herself but the mass amount of pills she took did nothing but left a painful yet nearly invisible goose-egg on her head and a black hole in her memory for that weekend.

She stares herself in the mirror every morning inclining to smash her dire head into the reflection. She loathes what she observes in that reflection of truth. The more she thinks about it she begins to make tiny cuts upon her wrist. She doesn’t seem to care what people think because she knows she is going to die soon anyway somehow so she wonders the point in caring.
The very few people who see her face in social situations seem to ask “what has happened to you lately?” The same fucking bullshit question that they love to ask her in attempt to be socially appropriate and pretend to be concerned. She realizes this sham of concern and answers with an equally socially appropriate statement.
Nonetheless the truth remains staring at her reflection every morning. The truth is that she is so worthless and a trivial that she is junk and every fucking breath she takes she can’t forget what shit she is and she can’t take back the shitty drugged words she said.
She ponders if this is the day that she has been waiting for. Has the day finally come? Every night she dreams of the day she dies and the painful air in her lungs becomes nothing but unfilled. While she begins to get ready for insignificant events of the day she blanks out and imagines knifes jabbing into her chest. The blood draining out of her and the force that it takes to actually puncture that far is mesmerizing. The feeling of the ribs cracking underneath the knife and the skin reluctantly complying with the knife's sharp edge gives her the energy to even get ready for the calendar day that seems so distant from her mind.
She is such a fat looser. Looser! Looser! Looser! Fat, fat looser!
She pleads for this reality to stop. Why the FUCK is she still alive being so FAT???
FUCK HER! FUCK HER MEAGER EXISTENCE! She is not smart, talented, pretty, or THIN! The sad thing is that she really believes this with every breath she takes.”