I know I need serious help. I know I need to gather myself together. I have so many issues that I need to get help for but the money situation is bad. I know people claim money is a cop-out but seriously, I can’t afford help. Everything I do revolves around trying to escape how I feel in my own body. Between the starving, puking, binging on alcohol, abusing various things, cutting, exercising, all ED behaviors, everything I do to escape myself. I find myself even encouraging my fiancé (husband in two weeks) to engage in ED behaviors with me.
What am I doing to myself? The annoying thing is that I know it is worthless. No matter how long I work out, no matter how little or how much I eat, no matter if I am emaciated or heavy like I am now I still hate myself. The tactics and addictions that I use cannot stop how I feel inside.

I am not proud of myself. On the contrary, I am disappointed and mortified with myself. I have stooped to so many lows, encouraging my ED behaviors on my poor fiancé.

I am jealous of one of my best friends. Her parents have given her the gift of rehab many times. They may not be perfect parents but at least they gave her chances to get better. My parents can’t (well I feel as if they will not) assist me in that way. When my best friend was in treatment, I was so envious and cried myself to sleep some nights because I wish I could get that type of help.
I guess I have to just keep going and do my best. I have to engage with healthy oriented people and really think about my future.

Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life? No
Do I want my husband and my future kids to suffer because of me? No
Do I want my LIFE back? YES!

QUEEN say it well:

“Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure - that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

Ee day da - that's o.k.
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets
Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba
O.k.

Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours

People on streets
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher high high
Pressure on people - people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
but it's so slashed and torn
Why - why - why ?
Love love love love love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure”

QUEEN-Under Pressure