treatment options and confessions

I am so dejected. I am attempting on finding further treatment for my issues, but it costs so much. Over $8 grand for two weeks (with insurance). That is a lot for me especially without a job.

So what do I do? I have choices-I can fall back into anorexia, which makes me so productive. Just go on as I have, just getting by without actually living, or to just die. AWWW! Maybe I should go back to my old ways?

Well, I guess I have already. I am either starving, or throwing up.
I have a few other confessions:

I abuse any substance I can. This includes alcohol, diet pills, coffee/caffeine,
cocaine, or inhalants.

I constantly throw up whatever I eat.

I wish it would stop! I say “it” because I can’t stop this shit. The problem is that I know I can die so easily with the substances I use along with purging. Originally, I wouldn’t care, but now I have friends and a husband to worry about. It isn’t just me and I can’t be selfish. However, how do I get further help? It costs so much money.

I am sitting here on my couch watching an episode of intervention. I remember the intervention we had for my mom two years ago like it was yesterday. She had all of us children kicked out of the house by the cops I couldn’t believe it.
I don’t want to cause another riff in the family, but Shaun and my mother have to get help. So do I but at least I want it. They don’t want help and want to continue hurting the family.

sludge feeling in all

What am I doing to myself and why?

I am in a cycle of self-abuse. My father thought it would be over after my wedding and I would live happily ever after, but I still have my problems. They don’t just go away.

It is stupid really…I abuse any substance I can get my hands on and I throw up many times a day.

The truth is that I hate myself. I feel like a failure because I used to be anorexic and during recovery, I got fat.

THIS ISN’T TO DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM RECOVERY! I had special circumstances.

During recovery, I went on steroids for surgeries twice and that increased my fat retention. By the time I actually went to treatment within 6 months, I had gained 6pounds, which is ten pounds a month! Now I am still fat which to myself means failure.

I was a good anorexic. Wait, what does "a good anorexic" even mean? I was good at my own self-hatred and punishment? Now I am upset that I DON’T hate myself as much? On the other hand, maybe I do and I take it out a different way?
Engaging in an eating disorder ultimately hurts yourself. It hurts others a lot and the ED makes a person selfish, but ultimately, the ED steals the soul of the person who engages in it.

To be honest, part of being married scares me immensely because now I don’t have an excuse to deny sex. I like sex, but at the same time, I can’t stand it unless I am inebriated. If I am sober, I get scary flashbacks to when I was 15. I shake, shiver, cry, and the only thing I can do to get it off my mind is bite my lip and mentally check out or be intoxicated on something.

Should I be honest about it all to my husband? If I am that means I have to deal with all of my issues. He knows most of it, but to deal with it all scares me, plus I can’t afford professional help so I am on my own.

One annoying thing is that it happened over 10 years ago. Can’t I get over it?
According to my academic advisor, I can’t go back to school without “dealing” with my issues. I feel like my “issues” are me.

I don’t have any big breakthroughs, ideas or special thoughts right now and even recently I feel empty. My words feel like sludge, and my relationships have suffered.

My thoughts don't turn to words. Annoying really...

Depressed as shit. Can't get answers and questions just sit. Life is stagnent like the water in the pond near my house. It stinks too. I have had enough. I am tired of fighting it.

Losing grip without meds

“Losing Grip. She is losing grip of herself and for fuck sake it hurts. She tried to kill herself but the mass amount of pills she took did nothing but left a painful yet nearly invisible goose-egg on her head and a black hole in her memory for that weekend.

She stares herself in the mirror every morning inclining to smash her dire head into the reflection. She loathes what she observes in that reflection of truth. The more she thinks about it she begins to make tiny cuts upon her wrist. She doesn’t seem to care what people think because she knows she is going to die soon anyway somehow so she wonders the point in caring.
The very few people who see her face in social situations seem to ask “what has happened to you lately?” The same fucking bullshit question that they love to ask her in attempt to be socially appropriate and pretend to be concerned. She realizes this sham of concern and answers with an equally socially appropriate statement.
Nonetheless the truth remains staring at her reflection every morning. The truth is that she is so worthless and a trivial that she is junk and every fucking breath she takes she can’t forget what shit she is and she can’t take back the shitty drugged words she said.
She ponders if this is the day that she has been waiting for. Has the day finally come? Every night she dreams of the day she dies and the painful air in her lungs becomes nothing but unfilled. While she begins to get ready for insignificant events of the day she blanks out and imagines knifes jabbing into her chest. The blood draining out of her and the force that it takes to actually puncture that far is mesmerizing. The feeling of the ribs cracking underneath the knife and the skin reluctantly complying with the knife's sharp edge gives her the energy to even get ready for the calendar day that seems so distant from her mind.
She is such a fat looser. Looser! Looser! Looser! Fat, fat looser!
She pleads for this reality to stop. Why the FUCK is she still alive being so FAT???
FUCK HER! FUCK HER MEAGER EXISTENCE! She is not smart, talented, pretty, or THIN! The sad thing is that she really believes this with every breath she takes.”

OMG I hate myself. I went from anorexia to obese. I hate my fat. I hate my fat! I am shit. I deserve to die. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat!!!!!!!!!

I should just die since I am a fat shit face.

I recently saw my best friend ans I am so scared. She is way too thin and I don't think she realizes that this has gone on so long that I may see her funeral instead of her wedding. The pain she must be in. It isn't only her weight but what she is missing out of as she engages in these behaviors. She deserves better but she wont get what she deserves until she takes care of herself.

But I feel like I can't say much because I engage in those similar beahviors. I am fat though, so I can afford to not eat for a week. But she is near death and I am afraid. She has people who love her & a life ahead of her and it is wasted on this shit.

Anyway: My diet (the same one I was on when I was in anorexia):

20grams carbs a day
-Veggies, Veggies, Veggies and soy sauce for salt.
-Egg whites for protien & maybe tofu, fish or chicken pending on money
-wine at night

-1 hour of walk with dog in am
-1 hour of cardio during mid am
-weights in pm

ankle weights everyday
-Atkins chocolate if want chocolate
-phentermine & Xenical when eat any fat

NO:
-No hard alcohol
-No sugar
-No carbs (bread etc)
-No flaking on normal workout schedule
-No cutting
-No rice

Sad, today would have been my Grndmother's 81st Birthday. However she died earlier than I thought. Certain suspision...my question is why? She deserved better.