Depressed as shit. Can't get answers and questions just sit. Life is stagnent like the water in the pond near my house. It stinks too. I have had enough. I am tired of fighting it.

Losing grip without meds

“Losing Grip. She is losing grip of herself and for fuck sake it hurts. She tried to kill herself but the mass amount of pills she took did nothing but left a painful yet nearly invisible goose-egg on her head and a black hole in her memory for that weekend.

She stares herself in the mirror every morning inclining to smash her dire head into the reflection. She loathes what she observes in that reflection of truth. The more she thinks about it she begins to make tiny cuts upon her wrist. She doesn’t seem to care what people think because she knows she is going to die soon anyway somehow so she wonders the point in caring.
The very few people who see her face in social situations seem to ask “what has happened to you lately?” The same fucking bullshit question that they love to ask her in attempt to be socially appropriate and pretend to be concerned. She realizes this sham of concern and answers with an equally socially appropriate statement.
Nonetheless the truth remains staring at her reflection every morning. The truth is that she is so worthless and a trivial that she is junk and every fucking breath she takes she can’t forget what shit she is and she can’t take back the shitty drugged words she said.
She ponders if this is the day that she has been waiting for. Has the day finally come? Every night she dreams of the day she dies and the painful air in her lungs becomes nothing but unfilled. While she begins to get ready for insignificant events of the day she blanks out and imagines knifes jabbing into her chest. The blood draining out of her and the force that it takes to actually puncture that far is mesmerizing. The feeling of the ribs cracking underneath the knife and the skin reluctantly complying with the knife's sharp edge gives her the energy to even get ready for the calendar day that seems so distant from her mind.
She is such a fat looser. Looser! Looser! Looser! Fat, fat looser!
She pleads for this reality to stop. Why the FUCK is she still alive being so FAT???
FUCK HER! FUCK HER MEAGER EXISTENCE! She is not smart, talented, pretty, or THIN! The sad thing is that she really believes this with every breath she takes.”

OMG I hate myself. I went from anorexia to obese. I hate my fat. I hate my fat! I am shit. I deserve to die. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat!!!!!!!!!

I should just die since I am a fat shit face.

I recently saw my best friend ans I am so scared. She is way too thin and I don't think she realizes that this has gone on so long that I may see her funeral instead of her wedding. The pain she must be in. It isn't only her weight but what she is missing out of as she engages in these behaviors. She deserves better but she wont get what she deserves until she takes care of herself.

But I feel like I can't say much because I engage in those similar beahviors. I am fat though, so I can afford to not eat for a week. But she is near death and I am afraid. She has people who love her & a life ahead of her and it is wasted on this shit.

Anyway: My diet (the same one I was on when I was in anorexia):

20grams carbs a day
-Veggies, Veggies, Veggies and soy sauce for salt.
-Egg whites for protien & maybe tofu, fish or chicken pending on money
-wine at night

-1 hour of walk with dog in am
-1 hour of cardio during mid am
-weights in pm

ankle weights everyday
-Atkins chocolate if want chocolate
-phentermine & Xenical when eat any fat

NO:
-No hard alcohol
-No sugar
-No carbs (bread etc)
-No flaking on normal workout schedule
-No cutting
-No rice

Sad, today would have been my Grndmother's 81st Birthday. However she died earlier than I thought. Certain suspision...my question is why? She deserved better.

Excited

I am so excited to get married this weekend and my best friend is coming in town! I am so excited to see her :) I have decided to just go with the flow, especially since this previous weekend at a funeral was hell. I am still fat and I have been using behaviors, but at least I will have a fun weekend!
Yay!

I know I need serious help. I know I need to gather myself together. I have so many issues that I need to get help for but the money situation is bad. I know people claim money is a cop-out but seriously, I can’t afford help. Everything I do revolves around trying to escape how I feel in my own body. Between the starving, puking, binging on alcohol, abusing various things, cutting, exercising, all ED behaviors, everything I do to escape myself. I find myself even encouraging my fiancé (husband in two weeks) to engage in ED behaviors with me.
What am I doing to myself? The annoying thing is that I know it is worthless. No matter how long I work out, no matter how little or how much I eat, no matter if I am emaciated or heavy like I am now I still hate myself. The tactics and addictions that I use cannot stop how I feel inside.

I am not proud of myself. On the contrary, I am disappointed and mortified with myself. I have stooped to so many lows, encouraging my ED behaviors on my poor fiancé.

I am jealous of one of my best friends. Her parents have given her the gift of rehab many times. They may not be perfect parents but at least they gave her chances to get better. My parents can’t (well I feel as if they will not) assist me in that way. When my best friend was in treatment, I was so envious and cried myself to sleep some nights because I wish I could get that type of help.
I guess I have to just keep going and do my best. I have to engage with healthy oriented people and really think about my future.

Do I want to live like this for the rest of my life? No
Do I want my husband and my future kids to suffer because of me? No
Do I want my LIFE back? YES!

QUEEN say it well:

“Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure - that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

Ee day da - that's o.k.
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets
Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba
O.k.

Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours

People on streets
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher high high
Pressure on people - people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
but it's so slashed and torn
Why - why - why ?
Love love love love love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure”

QUEEN-Under Pressure