sisters departed out of my life

I am feeling so dejected right now. My siblings are completely either ignoring me or just simply being mean. I feel like I am in the movie “Mean Girls”. They keep passively making comments that hurt or just clearly ignoring me.

What I am learning is that my sisters really do not care that much for me and the rest of my family is unable to care because of their own narcissism.

I am so blessed to have Paul in my life, at least he understands and somewhat knows how I feel.

That does not negate the fact that my sister’s of whom I was extremely close to for 26 years now treat me like a doormat, demoralize me, or ignore me. It isn’t as if we “grew apart” but instead something happened and I can’t figure out what it is. I got married and around the wedding time things got worse but it started before then anyway.

I am not allowed to see my two nieces for some reason. Last year my older sister did that with my brother and I was the only one allowed to watch them but now it has changed. Now I am on the outs and am not allowed to see them. It really confuses me and hurts that I am not allowed to see them.

My younger sister is angry with me for something I guess. Every time I speak with her lately she mentions what a brat, pain in the ass, or just plain “bitchy” I am (as Paul is buying her lunch at a Thai restaurant).

I guess it is the loss of my relationships with my sisters that hurt the most. Not what they say or do, but rather losing the relationship completely.

Ignored

Why does my family only do & see things black or white? I am trying to focus on myself, not my family but Annabelle’s 3rd birthday was today and I have been cut out. They will call Paul and tell Paul about her party tomorrow but they won’t call me.

Since I have been out of the hospital my father has called me once (did not leave a message) and that is it. I don’t want to complain that not a single person has called me at all but at the same time, it hurts. I feel like it proves the worthlessness that I am. They all will talk to Paul and not me.
No one has even asked how I have been, not even a single call, email, text, Skype, nothing. Not a soul in my entire family has asked me how I am doing.
Paul’s family seems different. They seem to at least notice or ask.
Anyway, I hate to Miss Annabelle’s birthday but I don’t think I am invited. I am tired and depressed; I think I am going to go to bed.

Well, Happy Birthday Annabelle, you are always my little princess.

Choices

We have two choices: We grow, or we die. It’s the whole point of our journey: to grow and evolve & remove obstacles that keep us from living in the light, living from our essence, living as our authentic selves. When you remove the blocks, you create flow in your life and go into new ...thresholds of personal potential. That is the goal, and growth is the only way to get there.

Week of Fasting

Well I spent the week in the ER and psych ward. As anyone knows it is a perfect place to not eat.
So Monday-Friday all I have had was water.
They wouldn't keep me there isnce I wasn't eating and refered me to EDCD or a DBT place. But, it was a great start for my not eat plans...
Oh I was there because I OD on many, many, meds.

A poem I have written, and working on

She was such a naive girl,
with all her hair done up,
She was such an ignorant girl,
as her skirt began to be pulled up.

With her eyes filled with tears,
She was such an ignorant girl,
She cried but no one could hear.

She was such a scared girl,
as she begged and pleaded for him to stop.
She was such a foolish girl,
and it was torture and rape, what she got.

She was such an innocent girl,
Now as beaten as a fighters fist
She is a damaged girl,
with a knife inserted into her wrist.

She was such a common girl
Before she decided to hide,
She was a happy girl,
But now she is empty inside.


I am working on others...

treatment options and confessions

I am so dejected. I am attempting on finding further treatment for my issues, but it costs so much. Over $8 grand for two weeks (with insurance). That is a lot for me especially without a job.

So what do I do? I have choices-I can fall back into anorexia, which makes me so productive. Just go on as I have, just getting by without actually living, or to just die. AWWW! Maybe I should go back to my old ways?

Well, I guess I have already. I am either starving, or throwing up.
I have a few other confessions:

I abuse any substance I can. This includes alcohol, diet pills, coffee/caffeine,
cocaine, or inhalants.

I constantly throw up whatever I eat.

I wish it would stop! I say “it” because I can’t stop this shit. The problem is that I know I can die so easily with the substances I use along with purging. Originally, I wouldn’t care, but now I have friends and a husband to worry about. It isn’t just me and I can’t be selfish. However, how do I get further help? It costs so much money.

I am sitting here on my couch watching an episode of intervention. I remember the intervention we had for my mom two years ago like it was yesterday. She had all of us children kicked out of the house by the cops I couldn’t believe it.
I don’t want to cause another riff in the family, but Shaun and my mother have to get help. So do I but at least I want it. They don’t want help and want to continue hurting the family.

sludge feeling in all

What am I doing to myself and why?

I am in a cycle of self-abuse. My father thought it would be over after my wedding and I would live happily ever after, but I still have my problems. They don’t just go away.

It is stupid really…I abuse any substance I can get my hands on and I throw up many times a day.

The truth is that I hate myself. I feel like a failure because I used to be anorexic and during recovery, I got fat.

THIS ISN’T TO DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM RECOVERY! I had special circumstances.

During recovery, I went on steroids for surgeries twice and that increased my fat retention. By the time I actually went to treatment within 6 months, I had gained 6pounds, which is ten pounds a month! Now I am still fat which to myself means failure.

I was a good anorexic. Wait, what does "a good anorexic" even mean? I was good at my own self-hatred and punishment? Now I am upset that I DON’T hate myself as much? On the other hand, maybe I do and I take it out a different way?
Engaging in an eating disorder ultimately hurts yourself. It hurts others a lot and the ED makes a person selfish, but ultimately, the ED steals the soul of the person who engages in it.

To be honest, part of being married scares me immensely because now I don’t have an excuse to deny sex. I like sex, but at the same time, I can’t stand it unless I am inebriated. If I am sober, I get scary flashbacks to when I was 15. I shake, shiver, cry, and the only thing I can do to get it off my mind is bite my lip and mentally check out or be intoxicated on something.

Should I be honest about it all to my husband? If I am that means I have to deal with all of my issues. He knows most of it, but to deal with it all scares me, plus I can’t afford professional help so I am on my own.

One annoying thing is that it happened over 10 years ago. Can’t I get over it?
According to my academic advisor, I can’t go back to school without “dealing” with my issues. I feel like my “issues” are me.

I don’t have any big breakthroughs, ideas or special thoughts right now and even recently I feel empty. My words feel like sludge, and my relationships have suffered.

My thoughts don't turn to words. Annoying really...